Adventures in Dating as a Plus-Sized Woman
Posted on October 03 2019
Trigger Warning: I do mention some specific diets below, but please scroll to the bottom to see some cute date night looks!
Over the summer, I made the decision to end a 5-year, common-law relationship. I was (mostly) confident in my decision, but one thing that made me second guess myself was the D Word: Dating. Did I really want to go back out into the dating world at almost 39?
I also had second thoughts about my body. Thoughts definitely crossed my mind about weight loss, and whether I should or would need to lose weight to attract new partners. In the 5 years I was with my boyfriend, my body had changed following my thyroid surgery. I now wear some straight-sized and some plus-sized clothing. I love my wardrobe and my style and have embraced my curves. But would a prospective partner be so accepting? And what would I do if they weren’t accepting of my size?
Despite these hesitations, off I went back to the world of online dating with my head held high. I set up my profiles and let the matching begin, started chatting with new fellows and meeting up with the few that could engage in interesting conversations. Everything was going great. Then I started chatting with one bloke...the conversation was nothing out of the ordinary, basic small talk...until the topic of food came up. He asked what my favourite thing is for breakfast (Eggs Benedict with aaaalllll of the hollandaise sauce!) - innocent enough question. And then his reply..."Do you do intermittent fasting?”
I think my chin hit the floor in shock. Do I intermittent fast? No, I don’t. But also, why is this a relevant question when you’re just getting to know someone? I asked a few friends for their opinions. Is it for religious reasons? Maybe he’s looking for common ground with someone? Maybe he’s just horrible at small talk? Regardless of these reasons, for me, it was highly triggering. I walked away from diet culture last summer after 20 years of engaging in restrictive and bingeing eating behaviours, and in my view, intermittent fasting is a restrictive diet. You may not be restricting the total calories you consume in a day, but you are restricting when you eat and interfering with your body’s hunger and fullness cues. For me, someone who engages in this style of eating would not be a good match.
I was marginally offended at first, but just responded “Nope” and the conversation ended after that. I did get one response in a group chat that I would be limiting my dating pool if I refused to date anyone who has a specific diet such as being vegan, Paleo, etc. I would have to evaluate this on an individual basis. Maybe dating a vegan wouldn’t work for me. I don’t know, I’ve never dated a vegan. But I do love to eat all of the cheese and ice cream. And restrictive eating behaviours for me are a hard pass, so I tried to see the silver lining in the situation. It’s good in a way that this red flag was raised early, so I could move on and invest my energy into meeting other people who may be more compatible with my needs (and vice versa with theirs).
For me, when I focused on eating intuitively and started to get clear on my needs with food, I started to get clear on my needs in all aspects of my life. I now have a new opportunity to evaluate prospective partners and see if we’re compatible. That is what dating is all about – trying people on and seeing if they fit.
As for being worried about people rejecting me for my size… I found some resources that gave me reassurance, that I hope will help you too:
- Food Psych Podcast (my favourite!): Episode 202 with Krista Niles from Curvy Cupid.
- The Curvy Cupid Course: Krista offers an e-mail course series that you can get for FREE through her website.
Listening to the podcast and reading more articles gave me re-assurance that there are more men than I expected who are open to dating women in curvier bodies. So far, I haven’t had any issues meeting new men and I have also made it clear that I have a curvy body and am looking for someone who is accepting of all shapes and sizes. If someone is not accepting of that, we won’t be compatible and I am OK with that.
Do you have any stories about dating in a larger body? What work have you done around body acceptance as you’ve set off into the dating world? Any advice you would share with our community? Comment below!
Heading back out into the dating world and looking for some new date night looks? Here are some of my favourite picks:
Transition from Day to Night:
Romantic Dinner Date:
|Maree Pour Toi Tassel Pencil Skirt
Casual Brunch Date:
|Eloquii Cardigan Sweater Dress
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